The Lusaka Boma Local Court in Zambia got more than it bargained for this week when 51-year-old Francis Daka turned his divorce hearing into a one-man TED Talk entitled: “Anatomy and Marriage: A Case Study.”
Daka begged Justice Martha Tembo not to grant his wife’s divorce request, arguing that dissolving his 32-year marriage would also dissolve his bedroom career.
● Exhibit A: The Incredible Shrinking Problem
“Your Honour,” Daka pleaded, “in my wife’s absence, my manhood downsizes to a toothpick and files for early retirement. Its only remaining job is… plumbing.”
He blamed a traditional consultant his wife allegedly hired to “disable his machine.”
Unfortunately for Daka, that consultant has since checked out of this world, making the warranty void and the condition, in his words, “irreversible.”
In a move that made court clerks suddenly very interested in their paperwork, Daka offered a live demo: “Even right now, if the court wants, we can get a male court clerk and go to the bathroom to compare sizes. You’ll see the tremendous change,” he told Justice Tembo.
● Court Clerk Applications: 0
Shockingly, no court clerk volunteered for the Great Lusaka Bathroom Expedition. The small finger-like item remained unverified.
A report by Zambia Observer said Daka insisted his manhood only clocks in for work, “big, strong and reliable,” when he’s behind closed doors with his wife, Grace Mwanza, 47.
Together they have nine children — evidence, perhaps, that the machine does work… but only with the original operator.
● The Wife’s Rebuttal: It’s Not the Size, It’s the Service
Grace was unmoved. She told the court she wanted out because Daka has a PhD in foul language and regularly roasts her in front of the kids.
Her other complaints: he locks her outside during arguments, occasionally evicts her from their jointly-owned house, and once abandoned one of their children in Luangwa — a place so hot it doubles as a bakery — because the child was “irritating” on a road trip to Chipata.
● Justice Tembo’s Verdict: Marriage Dissolved, Toothpick Unaffected
Justice Tembo, clearly immune to bathroom field trips, dissolved the marriage. The scorecard:
1. Children under 18: Team Mom.
2. Adult kids: Team Dad.
3. Compensation: Daka to pay Grace K15,000 in K1,000 monthly instalments.
4. Child support: K1,000 monthly, plus medical and school bills.
5. Property: Split 50/50. Houses, cars, and presumably the toothpick, now part-time.
● Weekend Takeaway
So ends a 32-year union and, according to Daka, a bedroom franchise. His manhood, loyal to one woman for three decades, has now been laid off without severance.
Moral of the story: If your machine only works with one operator, maybe don’t lock the operator outside. And never invite court clerks to the bathroom. HR will have questions.
Happy weekend. Hydrate responsibly. And keep your warranties current.
[Culled from Zambia Observer/AI]
